Change

First of all, I wanna praise God for this weekend at home.  It was definitely needed.  I didn't have any arguments with my mom and was able to enjoy spending time with my parents.  AND I have enough food for almost a month now :).  Kinda looks like I'll need it with the winter storm coming up O_O.

Anyway, I wanted to write about the sermon at church this morning.  I find myself waking up early on the weekends now, so we went to the early service.  It's a lot less crowded and I was thankful for that - less distractions.  The sermon started out a bit slow for me, but it really hit home at the end.  It's like every time I go to church, the pastor is speaking directly to me.  The main point of today's message was about yielding your heart to God through repentance, faith, and obedience.  Basically letting down your walls so God can do good work in you and change you.

That point got my attention, but his next point was what really struck me: we need to continually yield our hearts to God.  I think this is a mistake a lot of Christians, myself included, make.  We think "oh, I remember the turning point in my life where God changed me" and that's it.  No.  We must continually seek God and open our hearts to Him to grow closer to Him and let Him change us.  When I heard this I felt very convicted.  The past couple months I feel like I've built up a wall b/t myself and God... and with others around me too.  It's time to change that though.  I know it won't happen overnight, but I strongly believe that more devo time will help me get back on track.  I will continue to repent of my sins, have faith in God for my life and future, and obey His Word.

I hope everyone has a blessed week.

A New Start

Eh, it's a bit late for this post, but that's okay.  I have some new year resolutions! (I usually don't make any...)

1.  Call parents/brother/go home more often
2.  Don't get annoyed with mother so quickly when at home/on the phone
3.  Get homework done before the weekend
4.  Fast for 24 hours to grow closer to God (I've never fasted before and can barely go a couple hours without eating)
5.  Don't let emotions impair judgement/decisions
6.  Don't jump to conclusions/assume quickly (goes with #5)
7.  Smile at a stranger everyday (who knows, it may make his/her day... or make me look like a creep)
8.  1 hour devotional time at least once a week

That's all I have for now.  I might add more if I think other shtuff.

Faith

I told you all I'd have a more serious post :).  Well, here it is...

I've always been open about my religious faith; if someone were to ask me whether or not I'm Christian, I'd say I am, but that's about all the detail I'd go into.  After about 3.5 years of college and ACF, I can say with confidence that I am a woman of God.  It's something I take pride in.  Knowing that He has my back in whatever I do is comforting.  However, I've recently been struggling with my faith...

I've had the occasional doubt before, but nothing like this.  I'd say it started maybe 1-2 months ago.  The cause: medical school applications.  As I've mentioned before, I haven't received ANYTHING for a while now.  No invites, no rejections, no pending notifications.  Nothing.  It's like I'm not there.  Like they never got my application.  At least that's what it feels like.  Is this how everyone else feels?  It's hard to know when I don't have many pre-med friends.  It's even harder when my own mother tells me I should start studying for the MCAT this semester.  Those words were like knives today.  Yes, she said that to me just an hour ago.

I've gotten to the point where I'm doubting God.  Is He listening to me?  To my daily prayers?  To my family's prayers?  My friends' prayers?  I've always felt like this was my calling.  Like God gave me the tools to pursue this path.  My interests, skills, and experiences have all pointed to this field.  I've been so sure of this ever since I was a child, and now I'm doubting.  For the first time ever, I'm doubting if this is what I am to do. It's a gut-wrenching feeling.  It sucks.

About a week ago, I shared my struggles in the ACF Core prayer request email (we all post our prayer requests in this email for others to know about) and a friend responded to me.  He's been going through very similar struggles and gave me words of encouragement.  It has definitely helped.  Here's a bit of what he said:

The question arose: Will I still trust him now?  Even when things are bad?  Even when things might go downhill?  And I said to myself, "even when things are bad, I will still trust in him... I will trust in him with my life."  What choice do I have?  One Christian friend at the conference said, "There are two big temptations for me: to trust in the World and to fear the World.  And the solution is to trust in God and to fear God."  He also pointed me to Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It's a slow process up this hill, but I'm making my way.  "Even with things are bad, I will still trust in Him... I will trust in Him with my life."  Amen.  Sure it's easy to trust in God when things are great, but it takes extreme faith to trust in God when things are bad.  I will continue to trust Him.  He's never steered me wrong before, and I know He never will.

Snow!

I'm so bad at this.  I don't even know how long it's been since my last post.  I suppose I could look, but my fingers are too lazy for those few clicks :P.  Let's see... what has happened since my last post?

Well, the main thing is I went back to Taiwan for a little over 2 weeks!  That was a lot of fun... and when I say fun, I'm referring to having fun while eating... constantly :).  I ate so much over there.  It was glorious.  The pictures below are from the International Flora Expo, some museum in the mountains, Christmas dinner with my mom's side of the family, and other randoms in Taiwan.

Everyone in Taiwan is so well dressed... and TINY.  I felt like a huge fatty over there, rather than a normal fatty over here.  I swear, I was bigger than 80% of the guys over there.  That's... not... right.  They need some more meat on dem bones haha.  The girls are so small over there... even they're feet are small!  The shoe sizes only went up to 8.5!  I was lucky to find a pair that fit me.  I'm happy to say that I bought some nice clothes over there :P.  Nice as in more stylish haha.

With all the delicious food and warmish weather in Taiwan, I have to admit I'm glad to be back home.  Yes, it's dreadfully cold here, but it's home.  The beds are soft and the pillows are fluffy here.  There also aren't pesky mosquitoes biting me at night.  PLUS, it's snowing!!  I CAN'T WAIT TO GO SLEDDING!!!  Yeeee!

I think that's all I have for now.  I'll probably have a more serious post up later O_O.  I'm hungry now.  Bye!

Quote

I came across this quote the other night:

"I do not care what car you drive or where you live. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this year's cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list, B-list, or never-heard-of-you-list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind."


Whoever wrote this completely read my mind.  This is what we all should be looking for.  That certain someone is out there, we just have to open our eyes.

Boy, Time Sure Flies

The first semester of my senior year is already coming to a close.  This is pretty crazy.  Just think, by this time next year I'll be in medical school... maybe.  And while we're on the topic of med school, I just received additional letters/emails O_O.  Good news and bad news.  Good news is I passed the preliminary screening for Rosalind Franklin (in Chi-town).  Bad news is I got a rejection. *CRIES* My first one!  And it was from Georgetown.  SIGHHH.  Oh well, sometimes God says no, right?  I've been working on this concept for a while now, and I think I've gotten better at accepting it.

In other news, finals is coming up.  Ohhh boy, do I love finals... -_-.  At least I only have 3 this year, as opposed to the usual 5.  I am thankful for that; Praise Jesus for giving me a light finals week.

Well, other than the med school admission process and finals, a lot has been on my mind.  Too much to write about on here.  I'm really glad winter break is coming up, not just because it's a month of no school, but because it'll give me time to self-reflect.  The fact that I'll be out of the country helps with that too.  I think two weeks of being with family will be good for me.  Maybe I'll be able to study the Bible more too; I've been at a slight spiritual low for a couple weeks now.

Sorry this post doesn't have much... deep thinking like most of my other ones.  I mean, I don't even know if you enjoy reading my out-loud thoughts ahah.  Soo, I don't really know if the apology applies.  Ohhh well.  I think I'll do something productive now.  Goodbye!

Reminiscence

In light of recent situations, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing...

I remember when I was in elementary school.  All I had to worry about was being top-dog at times table tests.

I remember when I was in middle school.  All I had to worry about was making good grades.

I remember when I was in high school.  All I had to worry about was getting into college.  Well, a good one.

And now I'm a senior at Mizzou.  What do I have to worry about now?  My future career.  Getting into med school.  Backup plans if med school doesn't work out.  Relationships.  My resume.  And so much more.  Thinking about all this is pretty overwhelming, but I'm surprisingly not worried.  Luckily, God has given me peace of mind at the moment.

I've also been thinking about relationships.  I've blogged about this before, but it was more aimed toward monogamous relationships.  I've been reflecting on relationships between friends.  There's that familiar quote, "Friends come and go, but [end phrase varies]."  Kinda sucks, doesn't it?  How friendships can go from being strong and tight to distant and weak within a couple months, to the point where that friend is almost like an acquaintance, or even a stranger.  It's the worst when this happens to a really close friend, or best friend, if you will. I'm not saying it's happened to me, but I feel like it's in the process of happening.  I've been trying to prevent it, but there's only so much one person can do.  After all, relationships are two-sided.  They just absolutely do not work if only one person is putting out the effort.

Luckily, God has blessed me with many close friends that I can turn to in times like these, and I am so thankful for them.  I just pray that God will help me mend this other friendship.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is coming up soon!  I've already been eating constantly during break, and I LOVE IT! Hahaha.  Okie, I'm gonna head to bed.  God bless!