I've always been open about my religious faith; if someone were to ask me whether or not I'm Christian, I'd say I am, but that's about all the detail I'd go into. After about 3.5 years of college and ACF, I can say with confidence that I am a woman of God. It's something I take pride in. Knowing that He has my back in whatever I do is comforting. However, I've recently been struggling with my faith...
I've had the occasional doubt before, but nothing like this. I'd say it started maybe 1-2 months ago. The cause: medical school applications. As I've mentioned before, I haven't received ANYTHING for a while now. No invites, no rejections, no pending notifications. Nothing. It's like I'm not there. Like they never got my application. At least that's what it feels like. Is this how everyone else feels? It's hard to know when I don't have many pre-med friends. It's even harder when my own mother tells me I should start studying for the MCAT this semester. Those words were like knives today. Yes, she said that to me just an hour ago.
I've gotten to the point where I'm doubting God. Is He listening to me? To my daily prayers? To my family's prayers? My friends' prayers? I've always felt like this was my calling. Like God gave me the tools to pursue this path. My interests, skills, and experiences have all pointed to this field. I've been so sure of this ever since I was a child, and now I'm doubting. For the first time ever, I'm doubting if this is what I am to do. It's a gut-wrenching feeling. It sucks.
About a week ago, I shared my struggles in the ACF Core prayer request email (we all post our prayer requests in this email for others to know about) and a friend responded to me. He's been going through very similar struggles and gave me words of encouragement. It has definitely helped. Here's a bit of what he said:
The question arose: Will I still trust him now? Even when things are bad? Even when things might go downhill? And I said to myself, "even when things are bad, I will still trust in him... I will trust in him with my life." What choice do I have? One Christian friend at the conference said, "There are two big temptations for me: to trust in the World and to fear the World. And the solution is to trust in God and to fear God." He also pointed me to Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."It's a slow process up this hill, but I'm making my way. "Even with things are bad, I will still trust in Him... I will trust in Him with my life." Amen. Sure it's easy to trust in God when things are great, but it takes extreme faith to trust in God when things are bad. I will continue to trust Him. He's never steered me wrong before, and I know He never will.
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