One Month

ASJFDKSALD!!  I just finished a post and now it's gone! -_-

I'm not writing all that again.  Okay, SparkNotes version:

• I haven't blogged in a while... Sorry.
• One month until I move to Cali!  I will miss everyone in Missouri... a lot
• My cousin from Taiwan is currently visiting me for one month.
• I get offended when people don't finish food I provided/prepared for them
• She eats very little = my frustration
• My realization that she's basically a kid-sized adult and should be only eating half of what I eat *doh*

All in all, another time-wasting post, heh.

The Light

I know, it's been a long time since my last post.  Luckily, I don't think many people read this so it's not a big deal :P.  So, update time!

As you know, my last post was pretty... um, dark?  The past months from December til mid-April have been very, VERY rough for me.  I can safely say I was at the lowest point I've ever been at.  It was hard.  There were times when I just wanted to give up on everything.  And I mean everything, including my faith.  I stopped praying... for a while.  I'm sure some of my friends noticed a change in me.  I wasn't really cheerful, or sociable for that matter.  It's what I do though;  I keep to myself so I don't burden others with my problems.

What was the cause of all of this?  You'll probably guess that it has to do with med school, and you're right.  See, as the months passed, my chances of getting in were getting smaller and smaller.  First December.  Not too worried because I was enjoying myself in Taiwan and it was still considered early.  Then January passed.  I was getting a bit anxious.  The couple rejections didn't help either.  February came and went.  More rejections.  Then March crept up.  That was probably the hardest month.  By mid-March, I had lost almost all hope of being accepted.  Interview invites usually end by late March, and I hadn't received any since Mizzou's invite.  My only hopes were with Mizzou's decision.

Well, they made a decision alright.  I received my rejection e-mail on Friday, March 11.  Reading that e-mail was the worst feeling ever.  I was alone in the apartment.  My parents weren't even in the same country; they were in Europe.  All I wanted at that moment was to be with my parents.  I tried to hold it together, but couldn't.  I bawled my eyes out (I'm not a cryer at all) for I don't even know how long.  For a couple weeks, the only people who knew about my rejection were my parents, brother and one of my best friends.  I was too overwhelmed with shame to tell anyone else.

I was lost and confused.  Didn't know what to do.  Questioning why God said "No."  Why would He let me think that this was my calling for so long and just take it so quickly?  I felt like life had no meaning anymore.  I didn't know why I was even in school.  What am I even working toward?  I felt hopeless.

With the help of close friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and my family, I was able to pull out of it.  My faith was slowly being restored.  It still is.  I started looking at alternatives.  Exploring my options.  I considered the Peace Corps, Americorps, research jobs, internships, technician jobs, etc.  The whole searching process made me feel... free.  I wasn't bound by a time constraint.  I didn't have to stay in Missouri.   So, I started applying for position everywhere.  California, Ohio, New Jersey, Texas, Michigan, Washington. I even tried Hawaii, but I didn't qualify (natives only).  I probably e-mailed about 30 professors at University of California-Irvine (UCI), in hopes of getting a research position there.  Usually, I research at WashU because it's close to home.  But I don't need to be close to home now!  I don't have to be back at school within 3 months of starting work!

Throughout April, I got many responses saying they don't have sufficient budgets to fund another position, blah blah.  A bit discouraging, yes, but no giving up this time.  About 2 weeks ago, I had a phone interview with a BME professor at UCI and he offered me a full-time position starting in the fall.  Yessss!  I haven't fleshed out the logistics yet, but it's a job!  Temporary, of course, but a job!  In California!  THEN, my cousins asks me if I want to go with them on a 12-day Mediterranean cruise.  I ask my parents, and they're all for it!  Best Easter weekend ever.

So, here's my plan right now (may change as God sees fit).  Get a 4.0 this semester.  Graduate.  Take dad's summer finance class.  Maybe study for the GRE (to keep my options open).  Go on cruise.  Fly directly to Cali after cruise.  LIVE IN CALI FOR AT LEAST A YEAR! :))  I'm so ready to be somewhere new for a while.  So ready to be out of Missouri.

I'm still not sure what God's plan is for me right now, but that's okay.  This whole journey has definitely rocked my faith.  I've changed a lot within the past 5-6 months, but I feel it's for the better.  We want life to be easy.  For things to work out the way we want.  But if life was like that, it would be boring and bland.  Sure, during those rejections, problems, and crises, we are miserable.  In the end, though, it'll be fine.  God has a plan, a good plan.  We need to trust Him.  He is my light and I hope I never forget that again.

Long Tunnel

Life feels like I'm traveling through a long, dark tunnel.  This application process is crippling me, mentally and emotionally.  February is coming to an end, and before I know it, March will be over too.  Typically, if an applicant doesn't hear back by late Feb/early March, then that med school is a no-go.  So far, I've had one interview, 5 rejections, and 5 pending.  Seeing as tomorrow is March 1st, my chances aren't looking good.  Not good at all.

My family and friends keep telling me to stay strong and keep my head up.  They say don't worry, but how can I not worry?  This is my life.  This is my future.  Why is God doing this?  Does He hear my prayers?  Is He listening?

I think my biggest fear is God saying "No" to med school.  What am I supposed to do then?  What is His plan for me?  I know His plan is a good one and that I shouldn't worry.  I think I'm just scared His plan isn't the one I have in mind.  I don't know what to do.

My parents have been so supportive of me throughout this whole journey.  I had dinner with them last night and was overwhelmed with how much compassion and love they have for me.  I don't deserve any of it.  They were discussing alternatives such as getting a technician job at WashU for a year, going into pharmacy, going to grad school, and other medical related jobs that would require more schooling.  Normally, all this 'alternatives' talk would discourage me, but not this time.  No, this time all I heard was, "We will support and love you no matter what you decide to do."  Wherever I go, whatever I do, my parents will stand behind me through it all.  Nothing can describe how grateful I am for them.  They are truly my greatest blessing.  I hope to grow up to be just as amazing as them.

Thank you, God.  Thank you for showing me what I've been missing for the past couple months; thank you for making me realize that my parents haven't been telling me I'm not good enough, rather that they've been telling me I AM good enough.  No matter how hard this journey is, I will keep my head up and continue to seek what You are trying to show me.  There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Positivity

It's like an unofficial New Year's Resolution.  I've been trying to see the positive side of things and steering away from complaining.  My reasoning?  Well, let me ask you this:  Would you rather hang around someone who has good things to say or someone who is always complaining?  I think most would go with the second person.  Also, complaining never gets anyone anywhere.  Yeah, it is a way to release frustrations, but ultimately it doesn't do much good.  It's also a downer on yourself and people around you.  And if you know ANYTHING about me, it's that I don't like to be bothersome.

So, here's to a new outlook.  You know what?  I like it... a lot.  I find myself being more productive than I've ever been.  I'm on top of my school work, research, extra curriculars, and have free time to chill (and eat).  Now, the question is, can I keep this up?  Haha, I guess we'll see.  I know I'll complain about something at some point it'll slip out.  But that's okay.  I will continue to minimize negativity (or maximize positivity).

Mondays

Aren't Mondays bad enough?  They're the start of another school/work week.  They're the reason why most students stay in and do homework/study all day on Sunday (the real start of the week).  What makes Monday even worse this year?  It's Valentine's Day too.  DOUBLE WHAMMY!

Part of me thinks maybe there's still a small sliver of hope that I may get a surprise out of nowhere... but I know that's 9x10^(-10000000000) % possible.

On the bright side, my roommate (Michelle) gave me a jumbo bag of Reeses :)).  They're my faveeee :D.  So I will continue to eat those until none of my pants fit :P.

I also helped out a friend with his very first actual Valentine's Day.  It was so precious I almost threw up.  Aha, just kidding.  But really...

Haha, nooo I enjoyed helping him with it.  This is his first girlfriend ever.  First time telling a girl he liked her, first time holding hands, first EVERYTHING.  It's adorable.  And I really hope the couple has a great day :).

As for me, I'll be hanging with my roommies tonight.  And probably some homework.  Yup... Happy Valentine's Day!

One week

Yes, one week.  In just one week, that day that reminds all of us, singles, that we ARE single.  One day to rub it in all of our faces that we don't have a significant other.  One day for us to sulk about our relationship status.  You know what?  It isn't even one day.  It's more like 14 days.  Because once February starts, Valentine's Day crap is EVERYWHERE.  Red hearts galore!  The only good thing about this 'holiday' is the candy that's on sale.  Too bad they all have to be in freaking hearts.

I apologize for being such a negative nancy.  It just gets old.  21 years of being alone on February 14th.  21 years of envying everyone who has a Hollywood-movie-esque date planned for February 14th.  Ugh.

The rest of the year, I'm generally okay with being single.  I enjoy not having another commitment weighing me down; it lets me spend time doing things for me.  But every year around this time, it is thrown in my face that I'm single.  Bah!  Happy early Valentine's Day.

Selflessness

I could get used to only going to class on Monday and Friday :P.  Besides the cold and not being able to leave the apartment, I like blizzards haha.  While classes getting cancelled 3 days in a row is all well and good, it's not what I'm blogging about today.  Is blogging the right word?  Hmm, this may be more of a rant on my soap box...

Anyway, let's talk about SELFLESSNESS.  Is it important?  Well, let's put it this way: if you didn't answer yes, I am deeply worried about you.  Of course it's important!  Self-sacrifice is one of the most effective ways to show someone you care about them.  I devoted my whole medical school personal statement to selflessness.  My parents sacrificed living in Taiwan, being close to their families, their dream jobs, and just general comfort for me and my brother.  They had to start from scratch when they came to the U.S.  Can you even imagine that?  I can't.  Our country is a free nation because of self-sacrifice.  We are free because of every soldier who risked his/her life for every family and future generations.

Now, I'm a firm believer of teaching by example.  This is also the reason selflessness is such an important value of mine.  Why?  Because Jesus taught us selflessness through example.  He healed, casted miracles, and performed the most important form of selflessness: His life.  He died on the cross for us.  All of us.  He DIED for us.  I know I don't deserve that.  Not even close.  And yet, He still did it.  See, that's an incredible thing.  We don't deserve it, but it's still provided for us.  I don't deserve half the things my parents provide for me, and yet they still do.  They pay for my schooling, living situations, food, gas, etc.  I don't deserve any of that.  I should have to work for everything like they had to.

So why provide all of this for me?  Why do my parents spoil me like this?  Why did Jesus die for me on the cross?  Why do I have such great friends who are there for me?  Because they care about me.  And they all know I would do the exact same for them.  Relationships don't work without self-sacrifice.  Yeah, it may work at first, but in the long haul it's just going to crumble.  People who take, take, and take can only keep it up for so long.  You have to give to receive.  More importantly, you have to give without the expectation of receiving.  You give because you want to.  You give and sacrifice to show you care.

I could go on about this subject for days, but I'll stop now.  Just something to reflect on, like usual.

Change

First of all, I wanna praise God for this weekend at home.  It was definitely needed.  I didn't have any arguments with my mom and was able to enjoy spending time with my parents.  AND I have enough food for almost a month now :).  Kinda looks like I'll need it with the winter storm coming up O_O.

Anyway, I wanted to write about the sermon at church this morning.  I find myself waking up early on the weekends now, so we went to the early service.  It's a lot less crowded and I was thankful for that - less distractions.  The sermon started out a bit slow for me, but it really hit home at the end.  It's like every time I go to church, the pastor is speaking directly to me.  The main point of today's message was about yielding your heart to God through repentance, faith, and obedience.  Basically letting down your walls so God can do good work in you and change you.

That point got my attention, but his next point was what really struck me: we need to continually yield our hearts to God.  I think this is a mistake a lot of Christians, myself included, make.  We think "oh, I remember the turning point in my life where God changed me" and that's it.  No.  We must continually seek God and open our hearts to Him to grow closer to Him and let Him change us.  When I heard this I felt very convicted.  The past couple months I feel like I've built up a wall b/t myself and God... and with others around me too.  It's time to change that though.  I know it won't happen overnight, but I strongly believe that more devo time will help me get back on track.  I will continue to repent of my sins, have faith in God for my life and future, and obey His Word.

I hope everyone has a blessed week.

A New Start

Eh, it's a bit late for this post, but that's okay.  I have some new year resolutions! (I usually don't make any...)

1.  Call parents/brother/go home more often
2.  Don't get annoyed with mother so quickly when at home/on the phone
3.  Get homework done before the weekend
4.  Fast for 24 hours to grow closer to God (I've never fasted before and can barely go a couple hours without eating)
5.  Don't let emotions impair judgement/decisions
6.  Don't jump to conclusions/assume quickly (goes with #5)
7.  Smile at a stranger everyday (who knows, it may make his/her day... or make me look like a creep)
8.  1 hour devotional time at least once a week

That's all I have for now.  I might add more if I think other shtuff.

Faith

I told you all I'd have a more serious post :).  Well, here it is...

I've always been open about my religious faith; if someone were to ask me whether or not I'm Christian, I'd say I am, but that's about all the detail I'd go into.  After about 3.5 years of college and ACF, I can say with confidence that I am a woman of God.  It's something I take pride in.  Knowing that He has my back in whatever I do is comforting.  However, I've recently been struggling with my faith...

I've had the occasional doubt before, but nothing like this.  I'd say it started maybe 1-2 months ago.  The cause: medical school applications.  As I've mentioned before, I haven't received ANYTHING for a while now.  No invites, no rejections, no pending notifications.  Nothing.  It's like I'm not there.  Like they never got my application.  At least that's what it feels like.  Is this how everyone else feels?  It's hard to know when I don't have many pre-med friends.  It's even harder when my own mother tells me I should start studying for the MCAT this semester.  Those words were like knives today.  Yes, she said that to me just an hour ago.

I've gotten to the point where I'm doubting God.  Is He listening to me?  To my daily prayers?  To my family's prayers?  My friends' prayers?  I've always felt like this was my calling.  Like God gave me the tools to pursue this path.  My interests, skills, and experiences have all pointed to this field.  I've been so sure of this ever since I was a child, and now I'm doubting.  For the first time ever, I'm doubting if this is what I am to do. It's a gut-wrenching feeling.  It sucks.

About a week ago, I shared my struggles in the ACF Core prayer request email (we all post our prayer requests in this email for others to know about) and a friend responded to me.  He's been going through very similar struggles and gave me words of encouragement.  It has definitely helped.  Here's a bit of what he said:

The question arose: Will I still trust him now?  Even when things are bad?  Even when things might go downhill?  And I said to myself, "even when things are bad, I will still trust in him... I will trust in him with my life."  What choice do I have?  One Christian friend at the conference said, "There are two big temptations for me: to trust in the World and to fear the World.  And the solution is to trust in God and to fear God."  He also pointed me to Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It's a slow process up this hill, but I'm making my way.  "Even with things are bad, I will still trust in Him... I will trust in Him with my life."  Amen.  Sure it's easy to trust in God when things are great, but it takes extreme faith to trust in God when things are bad.  I will continue to trust Him.  He's never steered me wrong before, and I know He never will.

Snow!

I'm so bad at this.  I don't even know how long it's been since my last post.  I suppose I could look, but my fingers are too lazy for those few clicks :P.  Let's see... what has happened since my last post?

Well, the main thing is I went back to Taiwan for a little over 2 weeks!  That was a lot of fun... and when I say fun, I'm referring to having fun while eating... constantly :).  I ate so much over there.  It was glorious.  The pictures below are from the International Flora Expo, some museum in the mountains, Christmas dinner with my mom's side of the family, and other randoms in Taiwan.

Everyone in Taiwan is so well dressed... and TINY.  I felt like a huge fatty over there, rather than a normal fatty over here.  I swear, I was bigger than 80% of the guys over there.  That's... not... right.  They need some more meat on dem bones haha.  The girls are so small over there... even they're feet are small!  The shoe sizes only went up to 8.5!  I was lucky to find a pair that fit me.  I'm happy to say that I bought some nice clothes over there :P.  Nice as in more stylish haha.

With all the delicious food and warmish weather in Taiwan, I have to admit I'm glad to be back home.  Yes, it's dreadfully cold here, but it's home.  The beds are soft and the pillows are fluffy here.  There also aren't pesky mosquitoes biting me at night.  PLUS, it's snowing!!  I CAN'T WAIT TO GO SLEDDING!!!  Yeeee!

I think that's all I have for now.  I'll probably have a more serious post up later O_O.  I'm hungry now.  Bye!