The Light

I know, it's been a long time since my last post.  Luckily, I don't think many people read this so it's not a big deal :P.  So, update time!

As you know, my last post was pretty... um, dark?  The past months from December til mid-April have been very, VERY rough for me.  I can safely say I was at the lowest point I've ever been at.  It was hard.  There were times when I just wanted to give up on everything.  And I mean everything, including my faith.  I stopped praying... for a while.  I'm sure some of my friends noticed a change in me.  I wasn't really cheerful, or sociable for that matter.  It's what I do though;  I keep to myself so I don't burden others with my problems.

What was the cause of all of this?  You'll probably guess that it has to do with med school, and you're right.  See, as the months passed, my chances of getting in were getting smaller and smaller.  First December.  Not too worried because I was enjoying myself in Taiwan and it was still considered early.  Then January passed.  I was getting a bit anxious.  The couple rejections didn't help either.  February came and went.  More rejections.  Then March crept up.  That was probably the hardest month.  By mid-March, I had lost almost all hope of being accepted.  Interview invites usually end by late March, and I hadn't received any since Mizzou's invite.  My only hopes were with Mizzou's decision.

Well, they made a decision alright.  I received my rejection e-mail on Friday, March 11.  Reading that e-mail was the worst feeling ever.  I was alone in the apartment.  My parents weren't even in the same country; they were in Europe.  All I wanted at that moment was to be with my parents.  I tried to hold it together, but couldn't.  I bawled my eyes out (I'm not a cryer at all) for I don't even know how long.  For a couple weeks, the only people who knew about my rejection were my parents, brother and one of my best friends.  I was too overwhelmed with shame to tell anyone else.

I was lost and confused.  Didn't know what to do.  Questioning why God said "No."  Why would He let me think that this was my calling for so long and just take it so quickly?  I felt like life had no meaning anymore.  I didn't know why I was even in school.  What am I even working toward?  I felt hopeless.

With the help of close friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and my family, I was able to pull out of it.  My faith was slowly being restored.  It still is.  I started looking at alternatives.  Exploring my options.  I considered the Peace Corps, Americorps, research jobs, internships, technician jobs, etc.  The whole searching process made me feel... free.  I wasn't bound by a time constraint.  I didn't have to stay in Missouri.   So, I started applying for position everywhere.  California, Ohio, New Jersey, Texas, Michigan, Washington. I even tried Hawaii, but I didn't qualify (natives only).  I probably e-mailed about 30 professors at University of California-Irvine (UCI), in hopes of getting a research position there.  Usually, I research at WashU because it's close to home.  But I don't need to be close to home now!  I don't have to be back at school within 3 months of starting work!

Throughout April, I got many responses saying they don't have sufficient budgets to fund another position, blah blah.  A bit discouraging, yes, but no giving up this time.  About 2 weeks ago, I had a phone interview with a BME professor at UCI and he offered me a full-time position starting in the fall.  Yessss!  I haven't fleshed out the logistics yet, but it's a job!  Temporary, of course, but a job!  In California!  THEN, my cousins asks me if I want to go with them on a 12-day Mediterranean cruise.  I ask my parents, and they're all for it!  Best Easter weekend ever.

So, here's my plan right now (may change as God sees fit).  Get a 4.0 this semester.  Graduate.  Take dad's summer finance class.  Maybe study for the GRE (to keep my options open).  Go on cruise.  Fly directly to Cali after cruise.  LIVE IN CALI FOR AT LEAST A YEAR! :))  I'm so ready to be somewhere new for a while.  So ready to be out of Missouri.

I'm still not sure what God's plan is for me right now, but that's okay.  This whole journey has definitely rocked my faith.  I've changed a lot within the past 5-6 months, but I feel it's for the better.  We want life to be easy.  For things to work out the way we want.  But if life was like that, it would be boring and bland.  Sure, during those rejections, problems, and crises, we are miserable.  In the end, though, it'll be fine.  God has a plan, a good plan.  We need to trust Him.  He is my light and I hope I never forget that again.